When I first saw the blog topic for this week, the gears in my brain immediately started churning out hopes, dreams, aspirations, and the like. As a matter of fact, within a five-minute brainstorm session, I had almost entirely mentally constructed what I envisioned the status of my job, habitation location, house, car, (significant other?), hair, clothes, friends, and family to be ten years from now.
As fun as this was, I had to stop myself.
"Why?" you might ask.
Well, I am going to put myself out there a little bit (hopefully not in an inappropriate way) and be humbly honest.
I am a planner- Type A personality would be an understatement. There are definitely days when it makes me gutt-wrenchingly nervous to think about dealing with things I have no control over. In case you hadn't already guessed - my future falls into that "no control" category.
I know myself well enough to know that, in an attempt to cope with this anxiety, I often convince myself that I can in fact control circumstances that I cannot. The mind is a powerful thing let me tell you. Sometimes it works - like during that 5 minute brainstorm "future extraveganza" I mentioned at the beginning - and other times I don't even bother.
ok end of background introduction -here's what I was leading up to:
I am a fairly new Christian (I just began my walk with the Lord last summer), and, as such, I never before understood the notion that really I have no need to worry about my future. Part of the journey of walking with the Lord is learning to trust Him completely and ultimately to surrender and lay everything down at His feet in full confidence that He will take care of and provide for me.
In one way knowing that if I surrender my future to the Lord [admitting that I have no real control over it because ultimately His will will prevail and I will be most happy when I am on His path] I need not stress about what will or won't happen, where I will end up, or who I will be with is a HUGE relief; on the other hand, I am WAY scared to let go.
This sounds crazy because I know that God loves me and that He is the one who knows what is best for me (even though I like to think I do...) but it is very hard to change your thought process after 20 years, let me tell you!
In light of this, I have been making a concerted effort to trust in the Lord more. I still definitely have plans and goals but I am learning to not hold on to them with the death grip that I have been. Although I feel like the Lord has laid it on my heart to go to grad school next fall and pursue a Masters in Mental Health Counseling, I have been praying that I remain open and willing to His plan for me.
I hope this doesn't sound like a cop-out for this assignment, I promise you I meant it in no such way. I just know that making plans and mapping out my life to a "T" is something that creates a stubborn hurdle for me in my walk with the Lord and I am trying to put more trust in Him.
Ms Rogers, please let me know if I need to re-do this blog if it is in any way inadequate.
1 comment:
No, no - this is your place to do your personal reflection... YOUR way. I think that if you are planning your 10 years from now, you have to think about the things you can do to make your life the best it can be. I also know that a type-A personality does have to find ways to keep anxiety at bay. My daughter is actually a lot like you. She works 24/7 to make sure her grades are good, and with all that work, they always are... but she worries so much. In the past, she would make herself so nervous... not just about grades, but about sports, or whatever else might be weighing on her heavily... she'd get physically sick with worry. Anyway, she's learning some of the same things you're learning, and she's doing way better with her need to control every detail of every thing. Sure, she still worries about what time it is a little too much... especially when me... a Type B (but really Type E - a new type - working mom), is just coastin along feeling fine, lol! =o) Good reflection!!!
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